


Watch you breathe in, watch you breathing out

by heartsocold



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Actor Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Actor Merlin (Merlin), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Self-Indulgent, no beta we die like men, the 100 7x13 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:35:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26453476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsocold/pseuds/heartsocold
Summary: Arthur falls asleep first and Merlin spends a long time watching him breathe before he closes his eyes, allowing Arthur’s steady breaths and beating heart to lull him to sleep. He’ll wake up screaming and crying in a few hours but he knows his fiancee will be there so it’ll be okay.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 117





	Watch you breathe in, watch you breathing out

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a tweet I saw about someone wondering how Bob Morely and Eliza Taylor dealt with Clarke shooting Bellamy. I had a vague idea that would've probably been around 500 words but I got carried away and wrote this in two hours basically so it might be a mess. Hope you still like it though :)

The first time Arthur sees Merlin is in university. He’s decided to switch from a business major - his father’s choice - to an acting major with a minor in business (so his father doesn’t cut him off). This change comes a little over a month into the semester so naturally, everyone already has their little cliques and the people they’ll depend on to get them through their degree. Arthur on the other hand - he’s essentially the new kid.

But fuck it - he’s Arthur Pendragon. 

So he squares his shoulders and holds his head high as he walks into the classroom, selecting a seat in the back row and ignoring the inquisitive eyes he can feel on him. He dutifully ignores the itch under his skin, thankful that the lecturer is punctual when he sees him walk him. The lecture is due to start at eight a.m. sharp so Arthur had waited until five minutes before to make his entrance specifically so that he wouldn’t be forced to sit alone in a room full of strangers all speculating about him. 

Somewhere on his third page of notes, the large wooden doors open with a bang as someone quite literally falls through. Arthur stares in amusement as the man clumsily gets to his feet with his messenger bag swinging behind him. He can’t help but think that the man looks like a baby giraffe learning to walk for the first time.

“Sorry! So sorry! Please continue,” The dark haired man says as his ivory skin becomes flushed, the pink coloring the entirety of his ears. His ridiculously large ears. Arthur tilts his head to the side as he contemplates him. His ears are terrible alone but somehow they seem to suit him. He’s not sure how but it makes him look cute - in a bumbling idiot sort of way, of course.

Arthur breathes a private laugh. Had he thought that this time last year, he would’ve given himself an aneurysm. Now however, he was officially out of secondary school and more importantly - out as a bisexual man. 

The bumbling idiot that’s slightly cute fumbles his way to the back of the class as the lecturer resumes his presentation and Arthur’s attention drifts back to his notebook in front of him as he continues to write his notes. His attention is stolen again a few seconds later when the man lowers himself onto the bench beside him though. He looks up in time to be flashed a bright smile as the man pulls out his school supplies and Arthur raises an eyebrow at the amount of colored pens he sees on the desk. Before he can say anything about them though, the lecturer’s voice registers in his brain and he goes back to his notes yet again. 

The second the class is over, the man turns to him with a bright smile to match the shine in his blue eyes.

“Hello, I haven’t seen you here before. Are you new?”

“Yes. I decided to switch majors so I’m having a bit of a late start, I suppose,” Artur discloses as he puts away his things. 

“Oh, that’s cool. I’m Merlin, by the way. You can stick with me for the rest of our courses if you’d like and I can catch you up on everything you’ve missed so far.”

Arthur is a bit taken back by the offer. He wonders if it’s simply Merlin being polite but then he spots the earnest look on his face and finds himself agreeing.

“Arthur Pendragon,” He extends his hand out for a shake and Merlin stares at it strangely before clasping his palm to Arthur’s. “Thank you for the generous offer, I’d like to take you up on it.”

Merlin simply blinks at him. 

“Well, aren’t you posh?” He teases and Arthur pulls his hand out of Merlin’s grasp then walks out of the classroom, Merlin following right behind him.

By the end of the semester, they’re inseparable. 

Before summer fully arrives, they’ve decided they’ll spend their remaining two years in the degree as roommates. 

-

It’s quite ridiculous and a little endearing how fond they are of each other. 

Arthur and Merlin are as different as they come and yet they seem to complete each other in a complementary sort of way.

For all Arthur’s arrogance and bravado, Merlin knows there’s a layer of him hidden underneath. He doesn’t let anyone know about it but Merlin knows him well enough. He can see past Arthur’s mask and he knows when he’s scared or anxious or sad. He knows how to calm him with a touch and reassure him with a look. He knows when Arthur needs his space and when he needs to be held tightly - the way no one else is ever allowed to touch him. 

For all Merlin’s smiles and easy-going laughs, Arthur knows there’s a layer of insecurity. He teases Merlin relentlessly of course but that’s because it’s _them_ and Arthur would drink poison for Merlin in a heartbeat. He knows his best friend and he knows what bothers him. He knows what he’s allowed to joke about and he knows when to stop. He’s allowed to tease Merlin. No one else is. So when Merlin introduces him to the guy he’s seeing and the guy keeps poking fun at him, even when Merlin’s smiles move from real to forced to grimaces, Arthur decides he’s an asshole. 

He says something but it comes out mumbled through the glass of wine the wanker has to his lips.

“Sorry, what did you say?” Merlin asks.

“Oh come on Merlin,” The clown grins and Arthur wants to punch him for that look alone. “You’d think that with ears that big, you’d have better hearing huh?”

And then he laughs like he just told the funniest joke in the world, even when Merlin’s face falls and Arthur knows how much bullying Merlin went through when he was younger because of his ears so naturally, he steps forward and punches the douche.

Merlin is staring at him with wide eyes and the wine glass is shattered on the tiles, red liquid around it but Arthur doesn’t care right now.

“Get out and don’t come back,” He commands in a low, angry tone and the absolute imbecile looks at Merlin.

“Don’t even try to look at him,” Arthur shifts so he’s blocking Merlin from view. “Leave.”

“Fine then,” He grits out, holding his nose tenderly and Arthur knows for a fact it’s broken, something he’s very proud of.

“Oh,” He calls out, not bothering to look at the asshole. “Delete Merlin’s number from your contacts. You won’t be needing it anymore.”

He hears the door slam and instead turns to Merlin.

“Come here,” He murmurs softly and pulls him into a hug. 

“I’m sorry he was such a douche.”

“It’s fine, not your fault,” Merlin sighs, falling into the comfort of Arthur’s arms.

“And for the record, I love your ears,” Arthur smiles, using one hand to reach up and pull at his right ear. “They’re quite cute.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Merlin grumbles but Arthur can feel his smile. He presses a quick kiss to his ear.

“I’m serious.”

“Thank you. For you know, punching him.”

“Of course. Someone has to defend your honor.”

Merlin huffs a laugh out as he pushes Arthur away and Arthur’s pleased to see the light has returned to Merlin’s eyes.

-

They’re about to take their _final_ final exams and Arthur - ever the perfectionist - is stressed out of his mind. He knows the content and he’s confident in his abilities as an aspiring actor so he knows he’ll pass. Hell, he knows he’ll excel. They both will, that’s not what’s bothering him.

Instead, he knows that his time in the bubble he lives in is up. University has cast him and Merlin in a safe space. They have a set routine and they see each other every day - they live together afterall. 

In the real world, however, things are different. Acting isn’t the most stable job. He knows it’s not like an office job where he’ll have a regular nine to five. This is different. They’ll have to go where they can get work, travel as far as possible and work the strangest hours. He doesn’t know if he and Merlin are going to even be on the same continent at this point and he’s terrified what that’ll do to them.

Of course, he knows it’s inevitable. It’s not often that school friendships last in the adult world but he needs this one to. He needs Merlin in his life - he can’t imagine being himself without Merlin by his side.

Merlin takes one look at him and knows he’s having a crisis. He says nothing, instead pulling Arthur down onto the couch with him and they stay wrapped together all night. 

There’s nothing he can say or do to make this better. Arthur’s fears aren’t unfounded. They promise to call and text and try to see each other every so often but they both know that the odds are against them, there’s a good chance that life might get in the way.

-

As predicted, life does get in the way. At first, it’s fine. They manage to find jobs in the area and he and Merlin meet up once a week - for breakfast or lunch or dinner or a drink or a movie; whatever works - and they manage to talk on the phone or at least text each other when they don’t meet. But as their career picks up, they both find themselves doing odd jobs all over and soon enough, they drift apart. The calls become infrequent - every few months - and they don’t bother to text anymore. Arthur can barely remember how Merlin’s hands feel on him. 

Before they know it, it’s three years before they see each other again at an audition. They both manage to score the leading roles for a new tv series about teenagers who get sent to the Earth to see if it was now habitable, a century after a radioactive wave wiped out life and sent their ancestors to live in space. 

Their characters - Bellamy and Clark - start off on the wrong foot but eventually become co-leaders, then best friends, then lovers. It’s during a particularly steamy scene between them that Arthur realizes he wants Merlin as more than a best friend. 

He realizes he’s in love with Merlin so the second the scene is over, he hauls ass back to his trailer and proceeds to have another crisis.

“Arthur, what the hell just happened?” Merlin asks, walking into his trailer without knocking as usual. 

He finds Arthur curled into a ball on the floor, back against the small sofa, arms around his knees as he tries to breathe.

“I-I just-” He wants to say something to make Merlin leave but all he can think is _I love Merlin. I’m in love with Merlin, my best friend Merlin._

He’s afraid he might actually say the words out loud and ruin his friendship so he stays quiet. He had only gotten him back a few years ago, he can’t lose him again. Merlin must’ve seen something on his face though or maybe it’s simply because he knows him that good but he crouches down in front of Arthur and cups his face in his hands, pressing their lips together.

Arthur’s mind blanks for a second but then he’s kissing him back. They kiss slow and gentle at first but then Arthur grabs at Merlin’s hips and they pick up pace. Eventually, the need for oxygen makes itself known and they pull apart, breathing heavy against each other.

“I’ve been in love with you for years, you dollophead.” Merlin informs him, voice taking on a tone that implies Arthur’s stupid for not realizing. He grins, wide and carefree and happy.

“Who wouldn’t be?” He teases, pecking Merlin’s lips again because he can. Merlin rolls his eyes but kisses him back and all he says is, “I love you too, you clotpole.”

“That’s my word,” Merlin pulls back to frown at him and he squeezes him fondly before leaning in again.

“Shut up, Merlin,” And then they’re kissing again and it’s amazing and everything Arthur’s ever wanted. 

-

It’s been seven years since the start of the show and they’re on the final season now. The show has had multiple scenes that've been quite an emotional rollercoaster for them both. There’s been times where they both go home feeling raw and exposed and empty and those nights are always the hardest, but this scene might just top it. 

They’ve had to rehearse and film a scene where Merlin’s character - Clark - has to shoot Arthur’s character - Bellamy - straight in his chest, effectively killing him. It’s a betrayal and Arthur’s one of the best actors Merlin knows so the emotions are quite realistic. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get the scene out of his head.

_Clark looks to Bellamy; his voice tearful, eyes shining._

_“I said I wouldn’t lose anyone else but I have._ **_You._ ** _But that doesn’t matter to you, does it, Disciple Blake?”_

_There’s such disgust in the last two words and Bellamy takes a deep breath, his own eyes wet with tears and his heart hurting. Why wouldn’t he just trust him? He loves him. He’s trying to save him._

_Clark shakes his head woefully, scoffing as he turns away partly. “So much for together.”_

_The words hit like a physical blow. They’ve always done everything - for their people, for their survival - together. They’ve always been a team._

_Clark is about to leave but he turns back in time to see Bellamy grab a book. A book that Clark needs._

_Bellamy opens the book, seeing a drawing. His eyebrows furrow as he tries to piece everything together in his mind._

_“Give it to me,” Clark commands, speaking in a language only they know. Bellamy continues to look at the drawing, fingers brushing against charcoal lines as Clark pulls out a gun, aiming it at the people surrounding them._

_“Now,” He demands urgently. “Or I’ll kill them all. You know I will.”_

_“Clark, Madi isn’t in danger. I’ll make sure of that,” Bellamy promises, his tears blurring his vision as he thinks about the child who is the closest thing to a daughter he has._

_“They will kill her to get what they want and you know it,” Clark argues, refusing to lower his gun. “I won’t let that happen.”_

_“I am trying to save us all, Clark-” Bellamy begs, pleading with him with his eyes to just listen. To just trust him._

_“I’ll kill Cadogan,” He cuts him off. “Is that what you want? Give it to me!”_

_And then before he can say or do anything, Clarke swings his arm and shoots Cadogan. Bellamy’s hand reaches out in vain as Cadogan’s body hits the ground. He’s dead._

_“Clark! This isn’t about Cadogan, it’s bigger than any of us!”_

_Clark’s face crumples and he turns back to Bellamy, pointing the gun at him now._

_“Don’t make me do this,” He pleads, his voice soft - filled with a pain that Bellamy wants to take away but he can’t._

_He shakes his head._

_“You’re not going to shoot me, Clark. The bridge will close, you should go.”_

_He won’t hurt him. Not him. Not after everything they’ve been through together._

_“Not without that book,” Clark decrees, voice hard._

_They’re both crying now, faces wet with tears they can no longer fight. It’s too much._

_“Look at yourself,” Bellamy says. “What you feel right now - the need to protect someone you love so badly you’re willing to kill your closest friend, someone you trust, someone you love who is telling you the fate of the entire human race is at stake. All that suffering can end, Madi’s suffering too. I have no choice but to share this.”_

_“I can’t let them hurt her,” Clark objects._

_“This is how we do better,” Bellamy reassures. “This is the only way. I’m sorry.”_

_He turns to give the book to someone else and the second he takes his eyes off Clark, he hears him mutter, “Me too.”_

_And then there’s a fire in his chest and his knees collapse under him, his body making contact with the floor. His blood is seeping out of the wound in his heart and he can taste it in his mouth but all he can think about is that his everything shot him._

_His best friend, his love, the person he trusted the most. He shot him._

_Bellamy had taught him how to wield a gun all those years ago when they were tentative co-leaders and now he had used that knowledge to shoot him. To kill him._

_The hurt and betrayal tastes bitter on his tongue and with one final tear, he takes his last breath._

“And cut! Alright guys, good job. I think we’re done for the day,” The director calls and Merlin drops the hand holding the gun, allowing it to clatter to the floor as he bends over at the waist. Arthur sits up, wiping the fake blood away from his mouth but the color is still smeared over his face.

Merlin doesn’t realize he’s still crying - he doesn’t even realize what’s happening - until Arthur’s right there, his arm on Merlin’s shoulders as he pulls him up.

“Hey, you okay?”

Merlin nods even though he’s not and just pulls Arthur into a tight hug, breathing him in. Arthur holds him just as tightly, whispering in his ear. 

“I’m here. It’s alright, I’m here. I’ve got you.”

They quickly exit the set, hustling back to Arthur’s trailer. They remain quiet as they strip themselves of their blood-stained costumes and Merlin uses wipes to get the fake blood off of Arthur’s skin. 

It doesn’t take long for them to make their way home where they take their time and shower together. 

Once they’re done, Arthur helps Merlin into some comfortable pajamas and lies on his back, Merlin tucked into his side firmly, his head on Arthur’s chest where he can feel it move with each breath and his palm flat over his heart where he can feel it beat. 

“I still can’t get that look out of my head,” He whispers. 

“I know,” Arthur moves his arm up and down Merlin’s back, pressing a kiss to his head. “I’m right here alright? I’m here.”

“I love you. And I’m probably going to have nightmares for a while.”

“I love you too Merlin. So much. And I know you are, this has to be the worst scene you’ve ever had to film but it’s okay. I’ll be right here to wake you up when you start dreaming.”

“Thank you,” He kisses Arthur’s chest and leaves his lips on the bare skin. Arthur falls asleep first and Merlin spends a long time watching him breathe before he closes his eyes, allowing Arthur’s steady breaths and beating heart to lull him to sleep. He’ll wake up screaming and crying in a few hours but he knows his fiancee will be there so it’ll be okay.


End file.
